


i feel such a long way from you

by embalmers



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Father/Son Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 08:34:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18890980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embalmers/pseuds/embalmers
Summary: “You seem well.”Maybe separation had been taking it’s toll on the other as well.





	i feel such a long way from you

When Colette Brunel became a husk, a casket for her own self, when Kratos had revealed his own wings to him, that’s when Lloyd became acquaintances with separation.

He didn’t expect it, the way his limbs seized up when he pointed the sword right at his heart, those eyes that once gazed upon him with fondness, Lloyd couldn’t take it, he wanted him to end him right there.

He couldn’t look at him. He didn’t want confirm his fears, that he’d been nothing all along. That those eyes once soft now would be the same as Colette’s void ones when they looked at him.

 

 

They were saved. And in Tethe’alla. Kratos hadn’t killed him. That was enough for now. Lloyd had other things to focus on right now.

 

 

Distraction should have been easy in Tethe’alla. They have new people in their group, Colette to save, Presea to save, Volt to form a pact with. Yet Kratos wouldn’t let him forget. Every time Lloyd tried it was like Kratos was pressing the blade against his throat again. The blue glow that surrounded him. Reflecting on it now, Lloyd thought his wings were pretty, funnily enough. Genis noticed Lloyd hadn’t touched the tuna on his plate that evening.

 

 

Lloyd didn’t expect to not only have to deal with his thoughts and dreams swarming with Kratos, but also running into him constantly across Tethe’alla. For being separated they saw each other a lot. Anger was always Lloyd’s first reaction whenever he laid eyes on him. Questions and accusations that went unanswered. Yet Kratos never responded in anger or hostility. He wants a reaction from him. An answer to the countless, “whys,” he’s been left riddled with.

Lloyd was never shocked to see him though. It was like his subconscious wasn’t surprised Kratos was constantly hovering around their group, nearby somewhere in Lloyd's orbit. The thought shouldn’t have comforted Lloyd.

 

 

He tries not to hope. But Kratos left him with hope when he didn’t leave him dead that day. He could have killed him but he didn’t. Lloyd starts to wonder when his standards became “not killing me when they could have.”

 

 

Sleep doesn’t come easily in Tethe’alla. It probably won’t when he’s back in Sylvarant either now. When he lies awake, he remembers him and Kratos training together.

_“It’s a wonder you haven’t sliced through that fabric yet,” Kratos remarks as Lloyd’s blades come ever so close to them, swinging them around wildly. He looks up._

_“Eh? Why would I? They’re behind me not in the way of my swords.”_

_Kratos gave him another unimpressed look. To anyone else it’d look like his normal facial expression, but Lloyd’s learned some of his faces to distinguish them. He’s still not sure of a few though._

_“What’s that look for?!”_

_“Don’t you notice?” Kratos questions._

_“What?”_

_The mercenary starts to walk closer to him. Here comes the lecture…_

_“When you fight, you’re moving from enemy to enemy extremely quickly. Especially changing direction so fast, it’s natural that fabric like that would move around too. It gets in the way. You could trip on it or slice through it, missing your enemy and thus the enemy would have the prime oppo-“_

_Lloyd started zoning out._

_“Lloyd.”_

_“Yeah, yeah, be careful, I hear you!” Lloyd retorts. He moves too quickly though in his frustration however and steps right on the fabric that Kratos had been lecturing him about. And falls straight on his face._

_The heat rises to his face immediately as he realises what he’s done and doesn’t want to get up and face him._

_“Alright, okay, you were right, I’m sorry, ugh,” Lloyd mumbles into the ground. He’s expecting Kratos to start lecturing again, how he proved his point and how Lloyd needs to listen to him. But he doesn’t._

_It’s just silent. Lloyd reluctantly looks up and sees Kratos holding out a hand to him._

_“Be more careful next time,” is all Kratos says._

_Lloyd takes his hand._

Lloyd wakes up the next day and kicks the ground so hard that he hurts his foot.

 

 

He keeps remembering their time together. They used to watch the stars together when Lloyd couldn’t sleep. He’d sneak tentative glances at his companion. Felt the flush of warmth as he’s looking right back. The swell of courage he gets resting his head on his shoulder. Shock when an arm is wrapped around him in return.

Lloyd wakes up the next day with a grin on his face.

 

 

Their meetings had been fleeting up til now. Always with too many people between them, questions left unanswered, frustration, one leaving too soon. But Lloyd kept clinging onto that hope he still had. If he could still run into Kratos for the mere seconds he did, keep him in his sight, remind himself he’s still out there in the world then it was enough.

That changed when he found himself alone with him face to face in the snow.

Kratos always found a way to ignore Lloyd whenever they’d ran into each other before. It always felt like someone was hurrying him along to leave as quickly as possible. It wasn’t the case this time. He was looking straight at him. He’d missed those eyes.

“You seem well.”

The snow made the words seem louder than Kratos had probably intended them. It also made the snow on his face feel harsher. He blamed the flush on his face on that.

Lloyd caught the quiver of Kratos’ hand. A tiny movement he wouldn’t have seen if he wasn’t rooted to the spot. His hand moved slightly towards him then reigned it back in before it had even left his side.

Maybe separation had been taking it’s toll on the other as well.

When Kratos moved to leave, Lloyd found himself mimicking what Kratos had started, his hand reaching out at the expanse of snow.

 

 

After that Lloyd’s hope grew. As did his heart’s lurch whenever he ran into Kratos again.

 

 

So much had happened so quickly, when Lloyd found himself alone with Kratos, he was already about to leave again. He couldn’t let him leave without saying something, without them talking, without letting Kratos know that he didn’t think of him as an enemy. That maybe he never did.

“…I think it’s okay for you to be here too.”

Something flashed across Kratos’ face. Gone before Lloyd could identify it. He’d reached out his hand to him. Now it was Kratos’ turn to decide whether to take it or not. Kratos stood there for a second before closing his eyes.

“No. I cannot join your journey, for there is still something I must take care of.”

He blinked.

“What do you have to take care of?” he asked quickly. Anything. Something.

_When that’s taken care of, does that mean you’d join my journey? That you’d be with me again?_

He didn’t answer and left as quickly as ever. But this time Lloyd didn’t feel frustration from nothing being answered. He didn’t feel anger at Kratos ignoring him like he used to. He didn’t feel longing.

_Well Kratos, I’ll be waiting. Do what you have to do then come back to me_ , Lloyd thought to himself as Sheena came to reunite with the group.

 

 

Kratos was his father. He should feel disgust at himself and Kratos, but he doesn’t. He just wants answers. He just wants to see him.

 

 

Lloyd finds himself on the balcony clutching his cape around him. He’d thought he’d heard a familiar voice. Maybe he was starting to imagine things.

“Lloyd.”

Maybe not.

He came to stand next to him.

He explained everything.

Lloyd felt a hand caress his cheek.

“…Until I met you.”

He has his answers.

 

 

When Kratos almost died in front of his eyes from protecting him, Lloyd was in too much of a state of shock from everything that had been revealed to him to process that Kratos could have died right then shielding him. This time when Kratos almost died in front of his eyes, Lloyd felt frantic. On fire.

_Not now. This is too soon. We still have so much to do together._

He wouldn’t mind if the seal never got broken so he didn’t have to see Kratos like this.

“Kratos!”

“Don’t worry, he’s alive,” Yuan said far too calmly for his liking.

Panic and fluttering welled up inside him. He clutched onto Kratos. A lifeline. There was a heartbeat still. It’s not too late.

He’d said something about finally dying. A flurry of words, yelling. The panic he’d experienced in these past minutes were more than Lloyd had ever been through in his life.

When they were finally on their way to Dirk’s house, Lloyd was finally able to reach out like he’d done in the Flanoir snow. Like he’d done when he wanted him to join his journey. Kratos took the hand this time.

 

 

After defeating Mithos, time came to a standstill for Lloyd and Kratos. The others in the group had found the things they wanted to do, Sheena had Mizuho, the Sage siblings striving for acceptance of their race.

Lloyd knew what he needed to do. He just wanted Kratos to be there with him when he did it.

But Kratos was a creature riddled with guilt, wanting nothing more than to take the only path he could see. Lloyd couldn’t understand it when he was offering another with him. He’d hesitated in the past, with his choice to betray Lloyd or to join him. He was hesitating still now, as he stayed with Lloyd for a day longer than he should but not agreeing to go with him either.

Kratos ran a hand through Lloyd's hair. Lloyd closed his eyes as he nuzzled into his neck.

Lloyd wished he could have made those final days last longer.

 

 

“Don’t die before I do, Lloyd, my wonderful son.”

 

 

They’d already said their goodbyes back then. Why would he have said them again.

He found out eventually from Yuan. Lloyd didn’t feel anger nor shock. Just resignation.

It’s over.

**Author's Note:**

> i've never written a fanfic before in my life nor have i ever felt the urge to write one but suddenly all my kratos/lloyd feelings that have been building since february have resulted in this spur of the moment writing
> 
> these two drive me crazy, they appeal to everything i like in a ship: being separated from one another, circumstances not allowing them to be together, fleeting moments together then ending in them never seeing one another again. for my own mental sanity i make aus or canon divergs where they can be together but suddenly i got this image based on that side quest in dawn of the new world of lloyd finding out from yuan eventually that kratos lost communication and he really will never see him ever again. it struck me as sad but also just an end to his hope. maybe saying goodbye in person was one thing but at least he had some communication with him still, that he was still out there and it was something. now its all over  
> i don't know if any of this is good, like i said i've never written a fic before nor did i have anyone to check it for spelling mistakes, grammar etc. don't know if this fic writing will become a trend either. don't count on it  
> thanks for reading!


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